On the date of her 18-month anniversary with Faerie, Marti writes about how she learnt to relate authentically and deepen in love; and in doing so she discovered more of who she was.
To me relationship is like an onion. When I peel it, sometimes I cry going through the layers, sometimes I cut myself when chopping. When I cook it, it smells lovely and when I taste it, it is heaven. All you need to do is to choose the right one, be patient when going through the layers and give it a lot of attention when cooking otherwise it gets bitter or burned quickly.
I would like to share my onion story with you and show you what depth in a relationship means to me: how to deal with the intimacy, how to cherish it and not freak out and run away.
From an early age I was sure that everybody who is a little bit interested in me is the right onion. I did not know that I could choose him; that I could say no, that I could ask for what I want. I did not know that I want anything, actually. So as you can imagine, my relationships were unbalanced. I was trying very hard to please all the boys I had and at the same time not feeling good enough for them. It never occurred to me that the reason is just that I am not fully myself yet.
My longest 4-year relationship looked idyllic from outside. He saved me at first like a princess from the high tower and we lived the perfect life, both working for successful and stable companies with promising careers, living in a decent flat in nice part of Prague: we had a car, a pet and we shared the dream to get married and have a family soon. It was such an easy life, we did not argue, we always found the right way to deal with difficulties and high sexual appetite was never a problem and basically we enjoyed each other’s company a lot. Are you wondering why it did not work it out? I did not know I was missing something, I was just feeling a bit empty and a bit flat. I just did not know I could change it. All our friends were secretly jealous about our great relationship so I thought I was the weird one who was always not happy enough. So I started to follow my curiosity in spirituality, energy work, tantra and sexuality. At that time I did not realize the huge impact of that decision: I was sayinggoodbye to the flat, mainstream and ordinary lifestyle dictated by society.
We decided to be more adventurous and open our relationship and without having any experience in polyamory we started to be sexually curious with other people. I realized very quickly that it gave me the freedom I liked and in the same time I felt I going far away from my partner, who enjoyed being more adventurous too; but I had to go further and soon I realized that I couldn’t continue this relationship as he didn’t have the same desires and ideas about life as me.
Writhing this article I realize I still have some guilt and pain that I terminated this relationship, which looked so perfect from the outside, but felt a bit empty and lame to me from the inside. It was very difficult for both of us, but I am happy we are still in touch and very supportive to each other; and even it may sound silly, we are friends.
Soon after we broke up I had a magical though super short romance, which was so intense, and in the end so painful that I realized how alive I was with him and how much this experience gave me. This relationship absolutely kicked my ass and after he followed his dream to travel on his own I spent a whole year being single and almost-celibate. I quit my corporate job, moved out of Prague, meditated in ashrams and spend most of the time finding myself in this super intense year (2012). I am delighted that he is my best friend now and our deep connection is very precious to both of us.
Finally, at the age of 24 I started to care about my onion. I started to peel it and I was surprised and shocked by what I found. Is that me? Really? How come I did not start to see all my layers much earlier?
Guess what? At that time I was finally ready to have the real relationship: I started to have an idea who I am and what I want so I could ask for the man I wanted. To my own surprise he came very quickly and I literally could not believe that my heart chose him straight away.
Since we met we’ve been peeling our layers together. We shed many tears from happiness and from cutting our fingers too. We fight like lions and cuddle like butterflies. We negotiate everything like business managers and sometimes we explode like volcanoes. But we are alive, there are up and downs because we are fully living our potential (individually and together) and we opened ourselves to see and accept the other person with all their layers. What I use to called love dramatically changed into something much deeper, wider, more colourful and more authentic.
We would like to share with you how to do this in your loving relationship(s): how to know your onion and how to be supportive when you or your partner finds a difficult layer and how to both go deeper in loving connection which has a strong, loving and stable foundation.
Join us for Deepening In, our first workshop for couples which will gently and deeply show you how to communicate your own desires, how to open up and share your vulnerability with acceptance, awareness and love. Find out more >>