My Sacred Pleasure(s) story

So, I’d watched The Secretary, when if first came out.

I thought it was sexy- yeah definitely. I got my lover at the time to spank me hard and I initiated a threesome with two strangers on holiday in Turkey, both of which were extremely hot encounters.

 That was about as kinky as it got. I didn’t really get it.

Or dare to.

Then, three and a half years ago- getting over the noro vius on New Years Eve, and having a quiet night in- I checked my OK Cupid online dating account and opened a message that was about to change everything.

The message said “What a remarkable girl” and something stirred deeply inside me. I went to the profile of the sender and the headline was ‘Dominant’. I was just about to write ‘fuck off you weirdo’ and then I thought “well, that’s a pretty extreme response. Let’s take a look at that shall we?”

Four hours of the most X rated online play and another watching of The Secretary later, and I got it.

I had been consciously and consensually, sexually submissive for the first time ever- all in the safety of my own home –bless the internet- and it was the most turned on I had ever ever ever ever ever ever felt.  Ever.  Off the scale.

I felt power like I had never felt it before.

I got it. I got the secretary. I was the Maggie Gillenhall character- not quite as self harmingly extremely harmful, but boy had I harmed myself, and boy was I socially awkward; an introvert outsider, intelligent, funny, scruffy and lost.  I had harmed using drugs and alcohol and debt. Oh James Spader (and all the other perfectly messed up men who are brilliant dominants) spank me with a hairbrush now!! I surrender my power to you and in doing so wierdly, supernaturally, and magically reclaim it as my own.

Who fucking knew? I didn’t.

I slept soundly and spent all of New Years Day reading online articles about how I needed a good guides, teachers and good company if I was going to follow this through. This stuff was “edgy, dangerous, and could kill if done carelessly”. Whaaaaaaa? Yeah, I guess? If that had been a real person in my living room last night, instead of a disembodied voice in emails sent to an address that I had made up for the purpose, this could be edgy. I guess if I was going to let someone tie me up, inflict all manner of pain on me- things could get dangerous if it wasn’t done with skill and care. I started to look online for a teacher- I found Newman Alexander- then called London Faerie- almost immediately.  Thank FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

I’d had a series of quite beautiful relationships, and fuck loads of therapy so I was in a place of growth and expansion. I was ready to invite into my life really what I now know to have been there waiting for me all along - my true power, and sovereignty over it.

I began with a series of talks. At his classy North West London venue and home, I witnessed his way of working and I was in.  What Newman was saying seemed to be made up all the forbidden truths I had been denied in my roman catholic upbringing and my pretty prescriptive, hetro-nortmative relationships up til now. The startlingly beautiful demonstration of a DS relationship in action brought me to tears and I knew this was now my path of exploration.

Over three and a half years I have attended workshops, had one-to one coaching and co-created a series of life changing threshold rituals with Newman. They along with the sterling Sacred Pleasures team that they have assembled (of which I have occasionally had the rigorous pleasure of being a part) have been my teacher and my guide, down a rabbit hole of ever unfolding possibility. Life really has expanded beyond even my imagination. My resilience, beauty, power, honesty, courage and clarity of purpose have blossomed and bloomed in relationship to Newman and his work, and I expect the blossoming and blooming to continue.

I am an erotic and a sexual being until the day I stop breathing. The gateway that Newman opened for- and with- me with wit, deft, artful skill and absolute rigour that has led me to this particular truth that I now wear like a crown. (my computer wanted to write wear like a crone- that too.)